Don't vote for this clown

Toronto Sun-Oct 15, 2014

TORONTO - Many clowns run for mayor of Toronto — some even win — but very few are the real deal.

Then there’s Sketchy the Clown.

“Mike, you’re killing me,” Sketchy writes. “You’ve used me as a punch line in four columns. Time for one of my own.”

Sketchy has a point, and I don’t just mean his head.

On a whim, I tossed him into my Sexiest Candidate poll a while back — and, mysteriously, he finished second, just 600 votes behind Nikki Benz, the porn star.

So technically, since Nikki’s bid died for lack of current Ontario ID, Sketchy the Clown is the sexiest mayoral candidate. He topped even Karen Stintz and dominatrix Mizz Barbie Bitch.

I meet him at the Imperial, a timeworn pub off Dundas Square Wednesday morning. Vacuum cleaners hum as my neighbourhood’s early rising drunks wander in.

Frankly, Sketchy is no Bubbles or Clarabell or Ronald McDonald. Sketchy is a “dirty” clown, a local vaudeville staple.

“A lot of risque stuff, burlesque, drug references, swearing,” he growls.

Not for kiddies, but perfect for City Hall. By day, he’s a mild-mannered IT exec named Dave McKay, 51, which will appear on the ballot. Hell, he wouldn’t be our first mayor with a split personality.

“A man hath no better thing under the sun,” says a sign on the Imperial’s wall, “than to eat, and to drink, and to be merry — Ecclisiastes 8:15”

Amen.

I’m surprised Sketchy the Clown is still in this mayoral marathon. He got into it, on April Fools’ Day, to protest City Hall stealing words like “clown” and “circus.”

“‘Politician’ is slur enough for those guys,” he tells me.

“It’s NOT a circus. There’s no bearded ladies...”

Well, actually, I can think of a couple...

“...no aerial acts...”

Okay, but plenty of juggling, illusion, and manure.

...”and it’s boring.”

I hear you, Sketchy.

The “circus” mostly left town when Rob Ford got sick, yet Sketchy the Clown soldiers on in the mayoral race. In fact, he’s stepping it up.

He hands me a fridge magnet, featuring his fearsome mug. I wonder where he got the idea for fridge magnets.

Soon, 100 $5-lawn signs will pop up bearing his slogan, “The problem is broken.”

Catchy, Sketchy. In fact the clown rivals Doug Ford — What’s the story, Mr. Tory? — for snappy lines.

“Don’t vote for me!” he proclaims to startled electors on a barnstorm through Dundas Square. (See the video at torontosun.com/sketchy)

Don’t vote for you?

“Why would you? I’m a joke. I’m a CLOWN! But do your research on the big candidates and go vote. It’s your way of making a difference in the world.”

Aha! A noble, civic-minded clown.

“I’m aiming to NOT win. And so far, the polls say it’s going real well.”

That may change Thursday night and the first and only fringe debate, at 8 p.m. at the Monarch Tavern in Little Italy. Mizz Barbie Bitch and a puppet named “Duck for Mayor” will be among the debaters.

“A dominatrix, a clown, a comic and a duck walk into a bar...” is how Sketchy describes it. I assume he’ll win, since he organized the debate, picked the moderators and it’s in his home bar.

No Doug, Olivia or John. What a relief.

Sketchy says he’s leaning toward Tory, but could change his mind before Oct. 27. It’s a clown’s prerogative.

He and the Fords got off on the wrong foot. Sketchy was hired as a Rob Ford impersonator on a comic bus tour of Ford Nation. Mom Ford frowned on some clown staggering about her neighbourhood mocking her son, and the cops were called.

Any advice for Doug: “He comes across like a small-town hockey coach. ‘C’mon boys, get in there, give it 110%.’ He’s charismatic, he’s got the Ford name, but maybe take it down a notch.”

Tory?

“Maybe if he did a Vladimir Putin thing. Took off his shirt and dove into Lake Ontario and came up with a carp between his teeth. Something that makes you go, this guy’s not so wishy-washy.”

Olivia? “She’s good one-on-one. She needs to get to everyone one-on-one.”

I don’t think she can. There’s 2.8 million of us and so little time.

Anyway, the way Olivia’s going, Sketchy the Clown might catch her.